Following the news that VentureBeat is opening the VentureBeat Store we at PandoDaily wondered what kinds of products we could offer our readers. What product line really encapsulates the spirit of PandoDaily in the way that — uh — an iPod watch does for VentureBeat?
Then it hit us. Given that we have every high profile VC in America in our pockets (so we’re told) let’s allow our readers to boast the same!
Introducing PandoFigures: an exclusive collection of VC-styled action figures modeled on the tech industry’s most celebrated investors!
Order the full set and we’ll throw in a 3D map of downtown Palo Alto’s coffee shops and custom Magic-8 ball to answer questions like: “Is this going to be the pivot that saves us?” and “Will we go public this year?”
Act now! Supplies are capped!
Entertain your friends and irritate luddite relatives with this miniature replica of “Internet rich man” Marc Andreessen, complete with oversized bald head. Pull the cord in the back and it actually eats software. Equipped with a special voice-activated chip (patent pending), it turns bright red every time it hears the words “Microsoft,” “Internet Explorer,” and “The New York Times.” Accessories include a Facebook corporate board membership card and miniature Time magazine cover photo with a barefoot and much younger (with hair!) Andreessen sitting on a throne.
Our most sophisticated Pando action figure, the Peter Thiel doll instantly calculates square roots while simultaneously playing chess and quoting Libertarian thinkers from the Cato Institute. Stand it up, and it leans so far right it’s actually leaning left! Pull the cord and it explains why college students should drop out of school and start their own companies. Accessories include a miniature Stanford University lectern and a plastic city floating in international waters where like-minded rugged individualists can relocate beyond governmental control.
Dressed in white taekwondo robe and black belt, this rock ‘em sock ‘em Jason Calacanis action figure talks right out of the box — and keeps talking until the batteries run out (up to nine hours of uninterrupted talk time). Reboot it and it “pivots,” changing business models at the push of a button. Accessories include a miniature bulldog, blow horn, nunchucks, and a long list of enemies. (Warning: The default setting for the Calacanis PandoFigure is set to loud — it has no volume control.)
The only Pando VC action figure that ships from New York, the Fred Wilson doll already has a rabid following among high-brow members of the investment community and liberal media elite. Pull the string, and it blogs. Push the button, and it tells you the story of how it invested in Twitter. Ask it to invest in your startup, and it respectfully declines (and refers you to the Chris Dixon action figure, sold separately). Comes complete with a miniature office with an image of New York’s skyline visible through the window.
This Pando figurine rides a toy Segway scooter and cries real tears if you mention greentech or the environment. Visit the Facebook offices, and clip on the detachable hoodie for that hip, Gen-Y look. With a state-of-the-art Google search box embedded into the Doerr doll navel you can find out what Kleiner partners Al Gore and Colin Powell are up to at the push of a button. Pull the cord, and it tries to convince you that the Internet bubble was, on the whole, beneficial to mankind. Accessories include a replica of the TED Talks auditorium made from renewable bamboo and recycled hemp fiber and a free one-year membership to Amazon Prime.
Editor’s Note: Unfortunately, the Michael Arrington action figure has been removed from the PandoFigure range. No further information is available.
[Illustrations by Hallie Bateman]