I’ve never been the biggest fan of Valentine’s Day. I don’t love chocolate, I don’t get flowers, and frankly, I think that if you can only muster the effort to romance your significant other on the day some guy died you might want to rethink your priorities. (It’s mostly about the chocolate.) Lately there’s been something else bothering me about Valentine’s Day: The cheesy startup pitches, stories, metaphors, or allusions that are sure to come pouring in throughout the day.
So I did what any responsible young reporter would do. I decided to come up with a Valentine’s Day drinking game tailored specifically to people who care about the technology and startup ecosystems. Here are the rules:
- Every time someone mentions the fact that it’s Valentine’s Day and then immediately dismisses it – e.g. “So, it may be Valentine’s Day, but for those of you who…” – take a shot.
- Every time a post mentions a “hot new fling,” a “renewed partnership,” a break-up, or a “lover’s quarrel/spat,” while talking about a business or their relationship with a gadget, take a shot.
- Every time a tech blog posts a Valentine’s Day round-up of apps or startups that will help you weather the holiday, take a shot. Take another shot if the round-up includes or focuses on single readers.
- Every time a company emails you with a Valentine’s Day special or a “friendly reminder” that it’s a holiday, take a shot. (This one best reserved for more experienced players.)
- Every time Facebook pushes you to purchase something for your significant other via Facebook Gifts, take a shot.
- Every time someone mentions one of their hands as “their Valentine,” take a shot. And maybe prepare the brain bleach so you can get that image out of your head.
- Every time someone posts an ironic image with hearts, cherubs, saints, or some other lovey-dovey bullshit, take a shot. Take an extra shot if it’s on Reddit and there’s at least one [FIXED] version.
- Every time someone calls it “Valentime’s,” take a shot.
- Every time someone uses “Valentime’s” ironically, take a shot.
- Every time someone complains about someone else saying “Valentime’s,” take a shot.
Oh, and as a special, Valentine’s Day 2013 bonus:
- Every time you see, hear, read about, or otherwise witness someone spending $150 to get a special Uber, take a shot. If they get the 5-foot teddy bear – complete with Uber tee shirt! – take another shot. And then slap them across their goddamn face and explain why they’re now single.