Facebook may or may not be announcing the long-awaited “Facebook phone” next week, which could be an HTC-built device running a heavily modified version of Android, or could be a re-skinned app launcher that emphasizes Facebook content over other information. Or maybe Mark Zuckerberg is going to whip his hoodie off, hold his iPhone in the air, and yell “This is the Facebook phone, bitches!”
But it doesn’t really matter what Facebook announces. We should all hate it anyway, sight-unseen. Why? Because we can, that’s why.
Some people don’t want a Facebook phone because they’d rather use Snapchat, WhatsApp, or — novelty of novelties — SMS and honest-to-goodness voice calls. Others don’t want a Facebook phone because Facebook is “a pathetic toy.” Still others just want to decry branded phones just because, well… they’re bad, I guess?
Never mind the fact that the IDC reported (in a report sponsored by Facebook, I should point out) that 70 percent of smartphone owners in the US access Facebook from their phone; 61 percent of that group do so every day. Or that Facebook has created an entire mobile ecosystem — on iOS, if not on Android — and, through its acquisition of Instagram, owns one of the most sought-after apps on any mobile platform.
Don’t worry about things like Facebook Messenger, which allow users to call, message, or chat with other Facebook users for free. Or that Facebook offers three of the most popular apps in Google’s Play Store — its core application is the most popular app, actually. And Facebook is the most popular app publisher in the App Store to boot.
And we can all just forget that Facebook recently began bypassing Google’s Play Store and offering updates directly to Android users, right? Like that matters! And the fact that Facebook has been building its own “App Center,” which allows users to find apps that their friends use is definitely irrelevant. Totally and completely.
None of that matters. I mean, come on — it’s not like any other company has ever repurposed Android to suit its… Oh, I mean besides Amazon. Nobody buys the Kindle Fire anyway. Jeff Bezos is nothing more than an angry, deep sea -obsessed bald man with horrible fashion sense.
Fuck the Facebook phone. Don’t nobody got time for that.
Not until the product is unveiled, anyway. Then we’re going to see a deluge of posts talking about how horrible, awful, amazing, delightful, apocalyptic-bell-ringing, and Facebook-saving whatever the company announces is.
But until then? Man, the Facebook phone is the worst.