The Internet is an awful thing. It’s always making us bad things, like dumber, or lazier, or fatter, or poorer. Why can’t it just stick to making us nice things, like breakfast, or horny?
But no, the Internet never listens, even though the media is vigilant in pointing out what it does wrong. Below is a list of the ways the Internet is changing our lives, as diligently documented by the wise reportorial merchants of the press. What the media doesn’t tell you, however, is how to counter the evil Internet’s harmful ways.
So, let me present to you a point-by-point guide to the ways the Internet is trying to hurt us, and how to break free from its clammy grasp.
Antidote: Switch your Twitter avatar to something that proves your love for the world outside of yourself. One of those pink “equals” signs should do it.
Antidote: Download a fitness-tracking app and then watch as you magically get less fat.
Antidote: For every 20 minutes spent on YouPorn, read four Wikipedia articles about quantum physics and inorganic compounds.
Antidote: Tell the fucking Internet to stop making you bacon for breakfast every morning.
Antidote: Stop buying bitcoins.
Wait – on second thoughts, maybe start buying them.
Antidote: Delete your Reddit bookmark.
Antidote: Read Gawker.
Antidote: Stop reading Gawker.
Antidote: Get to know an actual libertarian. Insufferable.
Antidote: Every morning before breakfast, make a point of reading the editorial pages of the Wall Street Journal and the New York Times in succession, to ensure optimum bipartisan balance. You know, just like you always did before the Internet came along and made you a jerk.
Antidote: Not interested.
Antidote: That link leads to a post written by Business Insider’s Henry Blodget. Hahahahahah.
Antidote: Gotta admit, I like Henry. Yeah, that’s not an antidote, but let’s be honest – this contention is bullshit. I’ve lied three times in this post already.
Antidote: Less 4chan, more heroin.
Antidote: Ummmmmm. Nah.
Antidote: If you’re having trouble with the spelling and meaning of a word, type “define” in front the term in a Google search. Note: This is an actual antidote.
Antidote: Not actually a problem. It’s truer to say that the Internet just gave all the world’s bad writers a platform (otherwise known as “tech blogs”).
Antidote: I mean, this is only with other people. We can all agree we’ve gotten a lot more intimate with ourselves, amiright?
Antidote: Wish I could remember what I was going to put here.
Antidote: It doesn’t count as cheating if you’re in Chrome’s incognito mode.
Antidote: Oh fuck you, you bleeding heart liberal, sort it out yourself.
Antidote: This picture of a mouse with a teddy bear.
Antidote: Stop using sites with responsive design.
Antidote: Turn off push notifications for Facebook, LinkedIn, Skype, Yammer, Gchat, Gmail, iMessage, Foursquare, and Instagram, and stop checking Twitter every 24 seconds. You will still, I assure you, find out within a minute when Margaret Thatcher has died.
Antidote: Go outside. Get drunk. Leave your phone at home. Recover, if you can, a semblance of humanity.
[Images courtesy brycej, captions by Hallie Bateman and Nathan Pensky]