The Internet is an awful thing. It’s always making us bad things, like dumber, or lazier, or fatter, or poorer. Why can’t it just stick to making us nice things, like breakfast, or horny?

But no, the Internet never listens, even though the media is vigilant in pointing out what it does wrong. Below is a list of the ways the Internet is changing our lives, as diligently documented by the wise reportorial merchants of the press. What the media doesn’t tell you, however, is how to counter the evil Internet’s harmful ways.

So, let me present to you a point-by-point guide to the ways the Internet is trying to hurt us, and how to break free from its clammy grasp.

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The Internet is making us narcissistic

Antidote: Switch your Twitter avatar to something that proves your love for the world outside of yourself. One of those pink “equals” signs should do it.

The Internet is making us lazy

Antidote: Download a fitness-tracking app and then watch as you magically get less fat.

The Internet is making us stupid

Antidote: For every 20 minutes spent on YouPorn, read four Wikipedia articles about quantum physics and inorganic compounds.

The Internet is making us fat

Antidote: Tell the fucking Internet to stop making you bacon for breakfast every morning.

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The Internet is making us poor

Antidote: Stop buying bitcoins.

Wait – on second thoughts, maybe start buying them.

The Internet is making us busier

Antidote: Delete your Reddit bookmark.

The Internet is making us smarter

Antidote: Read Gawker.

The Internet is making us crazy

Antidote: Stop reading Gawker.

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The Internet is making us more libertarian

Antidote: Get to know an actual libertarian. Insufferable.

The Internet is making us politically close-minded

Antidote: Every morning before breakfast, make a point of reading the editorial pages of the Wall Street Journal and the New York Times in succession, to ensure optimum bipartisan balance. You know, just like you always did before the Internet came along and made you a jerk.

The Internet is making us more curious

Antidote: Not interested.

The Internet is making us shallow and vapid

Antidote: That link leads to a post written by Business Insider’s Henry Blodget. Hahahahahah.

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The Internet is making us more honest

Antidote: Gotta admit, I like Henry. Yeah, that’s not an antidote, but let’s be honest – this contention is bullshit. I’ve lied three times in this post already.

The Internet is addling our brains

Antidote: Less 4chan, more heroin.

The Internet is making us better people

Antidote: Ummmmmm. Nah.

The Internet is making us terrible spellers

Antidote: If you’re having trouble with the spelling and meaning of a word, type “define” in front the term in a Google search. Note: This is an actual antidote.

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The Internet is making us bad writers

Antidote: Not actually a problem. It’s truer to say that the Internet just gave all the world’s bad writers a platform (otherwise known as “tech blogs”).

The Internet is making us less intimate

Antidote: I mean, this is only with other people. We can all agree we’ve gotten a lot more intimate with ourselves, amiright?

(Masturbation joke.)

The Internet is making us forgetful

Antidote: Wish I could remember what I was going to put here.

The Internet is making us non-monogamous

Antidote: It doesn’t count as cheating if you’re in Chrome’s incognito mode.

The Internet is making us nicer

Antidote: Oh fuck you, you bleeding heart liberal, sort it out yourself.

live_tweeting

The Internet is making us depressed

Antidote: This picture of a mouse with a teddy bear.

The Internet is making us sick

Antidote: Stop using sites with responsive design.

The Internet is making us anxious

Antidote: Turn off push notifications for Facebook, LinkedIn, Skype, Yammer, Gchat, Gmail, iMessage, Foursquare, and Instagram, and stop checking Twitter every 24 seconds. You will still, I assure you, find out within a minute when Margaret Thatcher has died.

The Internet is making us anti-socialinsular, and lonely

Antidote: Go outside. Get drunk. Leave your phone at home. Recover, if you can, a semblance of humanity.

[Images courtesy brycej, captions by Hallie Bateman and Nathan Pensky]