social_mediaHello. It has come to our attention that there are some people — people we considered trusted friends, advisors, and even lovers — who don’t properly Retweet jokes, news articles, or any of the other super important things shared on Twitter every day. Instead of clicking or tapping on the Jack Dorsey-given Retweet button, these people type “RT” and then copy and paste someone else’s Tweet.

It should go without saying that manual Retweets are literally worse than the disaster at Chernobyl, the sinking of Atlantis, or that one time your mom kissed you in front of the school bus even though you totally told her not to. People who do this are monsters and must be punished. But first we must discuss other troubling practices on social media and make it clear that we will not stand for such injustice.

  • What is this crap about people using Snapchat fully-clothed? This is not what Snapchat was made for. If you want to take pictures of your not-nude body, or your fucking Corgi, or your friends doing blow, well, you can take that shit to Flickr.
  • What’s this about a few of you leaving your ex-partner’s Chat Head on-screen all the time? That’s creepy. That’s not what people are talking about when they talk about “thumbkissing,” you weirdos.
  • People. How many times do we have to tell you that Instagram is only meant for blurry pictures of various coffees? If you want to take a picture of a sunset, use Hipstamatic. If you want to snap a photo of a baby — thereby stealing its soul, but whatevs, it’s your kid — please use Facebook Camera. And if you want to immortalize you and your friends making duck faces and squishing your heads together in a seedy dive bar, please, for the love of everything decent and beautiful in this world, do literally anything else.
  • We have received reports that there are thousands of Reddit comments that do not question OP’s (original poster’s) sexuality, reference a long-abandoned television show from the 90s, or properly respect Nicolas Cage. This is unacceptable.
  • Wait, seriously, some of you are already using Path? Y’all should really reconsider your life choices. Seriously. Even Dave Morin doesn’t use that shit, and he’s got two iPhones.
  • There is a disturbing amount of porn on Vine. And by “disturbing amount of” we mean “very little” and by “on Vine” we mean “playing on our smartphones right now.” Come on. It’s a six-second video service. Six. Seconds. Of. Video. If you can’t put two and two together you’re basically a lost cause.
  • A few of you have been using the “shift” key on Tumblr. Cut that out. You’re totally oppressing our rights with your anti-lowercase propaganda, and we won’t have none of that shit. Oh, also, David Karp says he really loves you guys, so now might be a good time to say goodbye to your families.
  • Apparently MySpace status updates are now more than just a few “emo” song lyrics, expressions of juvenile angst, and sparkly images? Fuck it, whatever, do what you want. “I be on my suit and tie, shit tie, shit tie…”

Everything mentioned above is unacceptable. You may choose from one of two punishments:

  • Every other item you share to social media must be SEO-optimized, and pre-approved by your employer. Retweets will be considered endorsements. And you will never be verified on Twitter, ever.
  • You will suddenly start caring about your Klout score, and tell everyone you meet how Color was simply misunderstood.

[Image courtesy keiyac]