6912080969_c816b37934_b

from: [REDACTED] <supaspy@totallynotthensa.com>

to: Tim Cook <tcook@secretappleemailserver.com>

date: Tuesday, Sep 10 2013 at 8:00 PM

subject: Thanks!!!

Tim. T-dawg. T-bone.

I wanted to thank you on behalf of the Agency for including (mostly) every feature we requested with the iPhone 5c and iPhone 5s.

The M7 chip that determines whether an iPhone user is walking, biking, or driving? Brilliant. Combine that with the location data you guys were already gathering, and we’ll finally know where people are going and how they’re gettin’ there. This is wildly important, and not just because a few of our agents are wondering if the, uh, “targets of their affection” enjoy long, lonely walks in secluded areas.

And the fingerprint scanner? I mean, come on. Millions of people using their fingerprints to unlock their phones — and electing not to set a passcode because of it — is gonna be a huge help. I’m sure we can get some agents to press our targets’ (…I mean, law-abiding American citizens… wait, no, I meant “suspected terrorists,” that’s the one) thumbs against their phone during one of our border stops.

Insisting that all fingerprint data is encrypted and stored directly on the device was great, too. I mean, sure, legally you can’t tell the zombies — shit, sorry, citizens — if we had installed a backdoor that allowed us to grab the fingerprint of anyone who purchases the iPhone 5s. But still, I appreciate you doing us a solid like that.

Look, the only problem I really have is that the iPhone 5c isn’t cheap enough. Like, we asked you to build something that would be wildly popular in China so we can better spy on, you know, a seventh of the Earth’s population, and you come out with some mid-priced bullshit? Not cool.

Thankfully yours,

[REDACTED]

P.S.

What in the fuck is “space gray“?

[Image courtesy CJ Isherwood]