Today is “Black Friday,” a day when more than 37 percent of Americans will go shopping and spend a collective $11 billion, at least if last year is any indication. Venture outside at your own risk. Last year, four people died, including two who fought over a parking space at a Walmart in (where else?) Florida. Better to stay inside and avoid the throngs, mayhem, and sharp elbows of the hoi polloi.
That doesn’t mean you must miss out, though. One etailer always open for business is Amazon. Last year, on Black Friday’s sister holiday, cyber Monday, Amazon sold 26.5 million items over a twenty-four hour period. That works out to 306 items per second. The site also heavily promotes Black Friday sales, with up to 75 percent off certain items.
At one time, when you thought of Amazon you thought of books, then CDs, housewares, clothing, and other common items. But the company has grown over the years, and now through its vast warehouses and Marketplace offers a dizzying and dazzling array of consumer merchandise, some of which you might not associate with the gargantuan Seattle-based online shopping mall.
To celebrate this most American of holidays, we present to you 10 of the most stupendously weird products available from the house that Jeff Bezos built. Because what says “Merry Christmas” and “Happy Hanukah” better than a nipple massager, genital hand sanitizer, infant circumcision trainer, or electric shock game?
1. Smartele Breast Nipple Massage Chest to Stimulate Interest in Sex Appliance Nipple Breast Sucker New Female Masturbation Sex Toys
Never before have I typed the words “nipple,” “massage,” “stimulate,” “appliance,” “nipple,” “sucker,” “masturbation,” and “toys” in the same sentence. Note: the picture is misleading. You only get one of these thumbscrew-like devices, the small size. It’s cheap enough, I suppose, but surely there’s an easier way to turn on your wife or girlfriend than with a twisty suction cup.
2. Maybe You Touched Your Genitals Hand Sanitizer
Go ahead and scoff, but Maybe You Touched Your Genitals Hand Sanitizer has received 81 5-star reviews from Amazon customers. “Cleaner than whoopee,” wrote one. “Excellent product for teenage boys,” wrote another. “Smells like innocence” said a third.
3. Uranium Ore
Christmas decorations? Check. Candy canes? Check. Wrapping paper? Check. Uranium ore?
Be forewarned, there may be a quality-control problem. As one Amazon customer put it: “I purchased this product 4.47 billion years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty.”
4. Fun Runny Nose Shower Gel Dispenser
Imagine you stay over at your new boyfriend or girlfriend’s apartment for the first time, get in the shower the next morning and see this. It might convince you to get right back on Match.com and keep looking.
5. How to Date a White Woman: A Practical Guide for Asian Men
Really? I mean, what, seriously? And that’s the problem. As one reader ventured in a customer review: “If this is a joke, it is exceedingly offensive. If it is not a joke, it is still offensive.”
Not just for that newbie Mohel in your life. Gentile Amazon customers also give the Infant Circumcision Trainer high marks: “A perfect Christmas gift for that hard-to-shop-for creepy uncle/circumfetishist. The only drawback is that it doesn’t scream, but you could easily remedy that by hooking it up to an MP3 player that plays circumcised baby screams while you ‘practice.’”
Another complained that it isn’t realistic enough, noting that glands are “not fused to the foreskin,” there’s no “gushing blood,” and “no face, no pleading eyes to look into, as you ignore every humane instinct and force your scalpel through the baby’s genitals.”
7. Lightning Reaction Electric Shock Game
For the person with too many friends who would like to cull the herd.
The product description says it all: “Lightning Reaction Reloaded is a fantastic Russian roulette style electric shock game. Press the button and wait for the sound to stop and the trigger light to change from red to green. Just make sure you aren’t the last to press your trigger or you’ll get a shock! If you switch to Lightning Reaction Extreme, the fastest person to press the trigger will not get shocked…but everyone else will!”
It goes on to call it “the ultimate party accessory and the ideal game to play with friends when you want a night in.” Why, “you can even change the shock level from mild to extreme, depending on what a complete and utter wet girls blouse you are.”
8. 10-Frequency Vibration Noiseless Remote Control Butterfly Vibrator Wireless Sex Toys Adult Products Womens Masturbation by @NAT
For the gear head who has everything, a remote control sex toy. Imagine how you can spice up holiday dinners by secretly hitting the on switch as your lover passes the mashed potatoes to your cousin Hal. Amazon points out that this remote control panty-shaped vibrator is “frequently bought together” with Wand Essentials G-Spot Wand Attachment.
9. Black Fetish Bondage Restraint Beginner Complete Gear Cuffs Shackles Sex Toy Set
If this is for beginners, what does the advanced fetish bondage restraint set include?
10. Dupont X-Large Yellow Tychem QC Chemical Protection Coveralls
Sure, this has prosaic uses like wearing it to clean up toxic chemical spills. But many Amazon customers have bought it so they can dress up like their favorite meth-making “Breaking Bad” character Walter White.