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Lately, I’ve been feeling a tad disintermediated, as if I were a traditional company weighted with bloated legacy systems in an industry disrupted by well-funded Ayn-Randian startups. Perhaps it’s the holidays, but haptic feedback just doesn’t provide the same thrill it once did. Sexting selfies, Snapchats and Instagrams from my phablet hooked up to an MHL doesn’t offer HD video clarity either. Neither does surge pricing. It’s like I’m running over a 3G network when the world buzzes by at 4G LTE. My files are deeply compressed, stored in the cloud, long forgotten.

Call me #hashtag Ishmael, though I am no longer a man, I am skeuomorphism, caught in a p2p network and WWW of my own design. I’ve been hacked, flamed, and trolled, armies of botnets firing spam at me and inundating my in-box with phishing scams, pleas for crowdsourcing, and embargoed press releases. I am the ultimate UGC-creation machine but had to pivot to avoid the embarrassment of sunsetting my product line. (It’s all there in my 12-slide PPT investor pitch deck.) Maybe I should organize a brain dump to get all this on my strategic road map, although I may lack the bandwidth to grok all of that.

I was multitasking but encountered a 404 error, likely overwhelmed by highly targeted malware, malicious adware, or spyware. Legions seek to crack my defenses by deploying denial of service, buffer overflow, and man-in-the-middle attacks upon my psyche. I got kicked in the dongle (and it hurt.) My firewall and perimeter defenses are useless and my flash drive is on the fritz — and there is no turnkey solution for that. My GUI requires greater gigabytes, or perhaps it’s simply a matter of GIGO?

I pine for the days when I would lol, rofl, lmao, lls. Instead, omg, I’m smh, going wtf?

Perhaps I just need to reboot, clear my cache, code proprietary algorithms to automate my happiness and crowdfund my angst or tap the sharing economy, a true game-changer. Maybe I should Kickstarter this or Indiegogo that while encrypting my communications over Tor, unzipping my zip drive and paying for it all with Bitcoin, Litecoin, Namecoin, Peercoin, Ripple, and other cryptocurrencies. Man, talk about your Series A crunch!

I’m tempted to go all native ad on you, but really, I shouldn’t. I have to be careful to avoid happy slapping, perhaps apocryphal knockout games, and a plethora of hate sites, revenge porn, and the anons frequenting Assassination Market, Silk Road, subreddits, and 4chan. If you want to learn more, though, you can consult Moocs and Moogs, Moblogs and MSM sites.

So, with a wink to Mr. Miyagi of Karate Kid fame, I conclude by saying Log on, log off.

You won’t regret it. After all, it’s still under warranty according to the TOS.

(There are 106 links in this 464-word post. No animals were harmed in its creation.)

[Illustration by Hallie Bateman for Pandodaily]