silicontourage

Silicon Valley tends to bristle at how it’s depicted in movies and TV shows, often with very good reason. Despite many strong qualities, “The Social Network” received a ton of criticism over accuracy from the people who really lived it. And of course there was Bravo’s disastrous reality show, “Start-Ups,” which was soundly rejected by audiences, critics, and entrepreneurs alike.

So when yesterday’s headlines about HBO’s new series “Silicon Valley” referred to it as “‘Entourage’ for the startup scene,” many in the Valley naturally wanted to remove their eyeballs and light them on fire. “Entourage” wasn’t a terrible show, at least not at first before it began to take itself too seriously. But it quickly ran out of things to say about its four photogenic stars, whose personal goals rarely strayed from grabbing as much cash, fame, and sex as possible (yes, yes, I know it’s about “male friendship” too, but those themes usually only arose when the quest for all that other stuff failed).

So in the spirit of our fake “Newsroom” script, here’s how we imagine an episode of HBO’s “Silicon Valley” might play out, “Entourage”-style.

OPENING CREDITS

A limo speeds down the Golden Gate Bridge as a new Buckcherry song written specifically for the show blares. Our hero, Dashiell Champ, emerges from the sun roof of the limo with his very best buds: close friend Todd “T” O’O’Donnelly, Dashiell’s brother Chad-Brad “Tad” Champ, and eternal hanger-on “Skunk Troll.” Lots of champagne splashing about, strippers, all that “Entourage” stuff, etc.

INT. THE SPRAWLING MARKET ST. OFFICE OF SHAREABLES, WHICH IS LIKE AIRBNB BUT FOR WEARABLES. IT’S THE WORST.

T is furiously tapping on a computer. Dashiell enters with the bluster befitting a CEO whose company was just valued at $2 billion.

DASHIELL

What it do, what it do? How’s my favorite C “T” O doing? [laughs]

T

About to be on the other side of a 12-hour marathon coding session on my Lenovo N308 laptop with quad-core Tegra processor. All this coding is really hard work! But you gotta do a lot of coding when you’re a startup, you know?

DASHIELL

Bro, I feel you. Are you ready for the big party tonight?

T

Ehhhhhh I’ve been giving that some thought. I don’t know if it’s such a good idea to throw a big crazy party at this stage of our company. We still have no revenue, we don’t have a plan for how we’re going to get revenue…

DASHIELL

My man, don’t get all nervous on me now, I got it under control. Remember back home how everything always turned out okay for us no matter what happened, because we were white males growing up in suburbia? It’s just like that. Plus I got some booth babes for the event. I know you like booth babes!

T

Ehhhhh….. yeaahhhhhhhhh

DASHIELL

That’s what’s up!

Dashiell and T high-five for a while

Enter Chad-Brad

CHAD-BRAD

Whoa! Get a room guys, gross!

T

Hey, we were just high-fiving!

CHAD-BRAD

I know, I’m just busting your balls. You know I love you like a brother, T. Male friendship is very important to my personal sense of self.

DASHIELL

You get those booth babes I asked for?

CHAD-BRAD

I got the booth babes… and I got the booze, babe! $100,000 worth!

Dashiell and Chad-Brad high five for a while.

Enter Skunk Troll

SKUNK TROLL

 What are we celebrating? <snort> <gargle>

CHAD-BRAD

We’re celebrating your mom because she’s a mega hottie! Ha ha.

SKUNK TROLL

Aw come on, Chad-Brad <snargle>. Not cool!

CHAD-BRAD

Naw, I’m just playing. Bros before hos. Male friendship is like a glorious light in the fog of my existence, lending both clarity and meaning to an otherwise gray, empty life.

Bro-hugs all around

Enter venture capitalist Maxim Fisher

MAXIM

Baby, baby, baby you ready for your big fucking night tonight, fuckheads? I’m fucking stoked. You know that drug from “Limitless”? I got a whole fucking pirate’s chest full of it in my car. If Skunk Troll tries it maybe he’ll finally reach a sixth-grade reading level, am I right!

SKUNK TROLL

Awww <blart> <skroink>

T

Uhhh guys we got a problem

MAXIM

What’s T got his panties in a bunch over now?

T

Someone hacked all of our user data.

DASHIELL

Okay, so what? We only have, like, 25 customers.

MAXIM

Wait, I thought you said you experienced 2500% growth?

DASHIELL

We did. From 1 customer to 25.

MAXIM

I sunk 90 million of the firm’s money into this startup! I’m toast. You fucked me, Dashiell. What are we going to do?

DASHIELL

You’re on the board, I just work here. You tell me.

MAXIM

Okay okay okay okay. I’ll put out a press release saying only 25 users were hacked. And that that’s only a fraction of our total user base, a figure we are not ready to divulge at this time. But I’ll reiterate the 2500% growth data point. Then I’ll start shopping you guys around for an acquisition. I’ll plant a rumor that you turned down a $3 billion offer from Airbnb and before you know it, Yahoo will be knocking on our door and we all go home millionaires to fuck the prom queen. Maxim Fisher!

DASHIELL

I don’t understand any of what you said.

MAXIM

That’s fine. You guys relax and have a good time. Just remember that famous Steve Jobs quote. In Silicon Valley, the dream never dies, and the party never stops. And whatever you do, don’t apologize.

Door swings open

TAYLOR SWIFT

Did somebody say “Party?”

Buckcherry’s “Lit Up” begins to play, fade-to-black.