pantsless

This post was inspired by the New York Times’ Nick Bilton

Pants are dead. They were murdered by the webcam.

I first realized this last week when my fiancée asked me to don some pants so we might finally go out in public instead of watching “White Collar” re-runs on Netflix.

“Sure,” I replied, clambering out of the couch. I pulled a succession of Batman-themed pajama tops out of my dresser, but there were no pants to be found.

“Hmm, maybe I have some in the laundry,” I said as we both began a search that would’ve put Sherlock Holmes — or at least that drug addicted dog from “Blue’s Clues” — to shame. We looked in the laundry basket, the dryer, even the bedroom floor. But again, no pants.

After backtracking to figure out when I last saw pants in the house, I realized it had been more than two years.

While my home is filled with multiple T-shirts, tank tops, sweaters, and bikini tops, there’s not a single pair of pants to be found. No trousers, shorts, cut-off jeans, or khakis.

Rumors of pants’ demise have been around for almost two decades. The one-piece track suit and early efforts to release us from the oppression of clothing were supposed to finish it off. Those efforts proved to be colder and more offensive, however, so pants lived to be worn another day.

But for me, pants have finally lost their usefulness to the webcam and the devices to which it’s connected.

Unlike pants, cameras don’t have to cover anything below the waist, they come free with most new products, and you always have one with you. I don’t have to worry about wearing much because, unlike seeing people in person, telecommuting doesn’t show me in all my half-naked glory.

Until recently, employment was one of the last holdouts barring me from total nudity. But these days I work from home by browsing over to WordPress and slapping a keyboard for a while. WordPress, Yammer, and all of the other services I interact with have all eliminated pants in lieu of a keyboard and a camera that can crop out everything below the waist on those rare occasions when I have to communicate with other people via video chat.

While I loved pants in the past, I have to admit, it’s a lot easier not wearing them.

So it is with a heavy heart that I must bid pants adieu. But don’t fret; telecommuting is here to take their place. Or, to quote a proverb often said on Internet forums: “Pics or it didn’t happen.” And, because I can position the camera to avoid my legs, there are no pics, so my pantslessness might as well have never happened.

[photo by Brian Schulman]