Pando

Trumpfellas

By Mark Ames , written on September 7, 2015

From The Politics Desk

INT. REAGAN LIBRARY, SIMI VALLEY - EVENING

CAMERA TRACKS PAST the empty podiums where the 10 GOP candidates will perform their CNN debate, past nervous and physically repulsive Republican campaign aides, flacks and hacks, past a door leading into the GREEN ROOM where the 10 debate candidates are gathered, each with their own little crew, some talking, some getting touched up...

JEB BUSH (VOICEOVER)
There was Marco, and me...And there was Jimmy the Kasich

KASICH
Hey how ya doin?

JEB! (V.O.)
And then there was Moe Black’s brother, Fat Chris

CHRIS CHRISTIE
How ya doin’ buddy?

JEB! (V.O.)
And his guys, Teddy the Hoser

TED CRUZ
Stayin’ out of trouble Jeb?

JEB! (V.O.)
...Randy Gnome-Nose...

RAND PAUL
Hey pal how ya doin?

JEB! (V.O.)
And then there was Carly The Killer...

CARLY FIORINA
Hey I’m gonna take care of that thing for ya

JEB! (V.O.)
Then you had Mikey Jowels...

HUCKABEE
What’s up, guy...

JEB! (VO)
...and Ben Carson

CARSON
...yeah I saw that guy I wanna see him...

JEB! (V.O.)
...and Scotty Two-Times, who got that nickname because he said everything that mattered to him twice, like...

SCOTT WALKER
...I gotta call the Koch brothers, call the Koch brothers...

EXT. FANCY HAMPTONS MANSION ESTATE
Wealthy Republican donors at a Jeb! Fundraiser, laughing, drinking champagne, whispering in Jeb’s ear as they hand him checks or stuff checks in his pocket. Other candidates at other fancy fundraisers taking checks and cash.

JEB! (V.O.)
For us to live any other way was nuts. To us those goody-good voters who worked shitty jobs for bum paychecks... and took the subway to work and worried about bills — and still voted Republican — they were suckers. If our donors wanted something, we just took it and gave it to ‘em. That’s how it worked. We were just wiseguys for rich people who worked inside the system. That’s all it was.

CUT TO: Scott Walker on his knees in the bathroom of a Hampton’s mansion, blowing an elderly rich donor resembling David Koch, who looks bored and unsatisfied as he flips through his checkbook balanced on top of Walker’s bobbing head. Outside the bathroom door, Walker’s wife is banging on the door.

SCOTT WALKER’S WIFE
I know you’re in there you bastard! Let me in!

JEB! (V.O.)
It was all routine. You didn’t even think about it.  

Koch donor moans as Walker gags.

INT. REAGAN LIBRARY
WE RETURN to the Green Room again, to a table in the back. TRUMP is seated at the end of the table. In background, we see REINCE PRIEBUS, the nominal owner of the GOP, hovering nervously holding an unsigned pledge. TRUMP has the whole table in rapt attention, including JEB! BUSH, who’s seated closest to Trump, howling in laughter at Trump’s every outrageous riff.

TRUMP
What’s really funny is that fuckin twitter job I did on that hillbilly from—where’s that hillbilly from again? Appalachia?

JEB!
Kentucky!

TRUMP
Yeah it’s all the same with those fuckin hillbillies, Rand Paul this and Ron Paul’s my daddy. Here I’ll show you your daddy, eat this tweet about your golf game, you hillbilly mutt. (laughter at the table)

So I’m out there in front of crowds, blowing people’s fuckin minds, I’m talkin whole stadiums full of fuckin people who love me, absolutely love me, it’s beautiful—takin ‘em to the stars and back again, you know?—and this hillbilly says to me, “Why are you here?” I says, “Campaignin’ in the primaries, what?” Hillbilly says, “The Republican primary?” “Yeah, Republican. What’s it to ya?” Hillbilly says, “I think you’re lyin’. I think you’re not a real Republican.” Can you believe the nerve of this fuckin hillbilly? Starts tweetin at me. Says I better answer him. So I tweet back: “You want me to say somethin? Here, I’ll say something: I beat your ass in golf and then I gave you a million bucks after you begged me, you fuckin loser.” Ping-pang-boom.

(Table of sycophants laughs, Jeb! laughs loudest.)

Week later, I’m finishing a yuuuuge event. Thousands of fuckin Republicans cheerin me on. I’m backstage readin my new poll numbers—I’m so far ahead of these losers I can’t even see them in my rear view mirror they’re so small. Then this hillbilly mutt shows up again. Tweets, “You still here in the Republican primaries?” “Yeah, and guess what? I’m wiping your ass with my poll numbers, loser.” So he tweets, “You’re not a Republican! Admit it!” I tweets, “Do they let losers with two percent poll numbers in the Republican debate these days? They’ll let in any loser. Where are the fuckin standards anymore?”

(laughs)

I tweets, “I didn’t know you even had any unindicted campaign workers left you fuckin hillbilly felon. Here’s fifty bucks, now go shine my golf clubs!” Ping-pang-boom!

(Table erupts in howls of laughter)

JEB!
(laughing, catching his breath)

Oh that’s funny... you’re really funny, Donny

(starts laughing again)

TRUMP
Whattaya mean?

JEB!
(still laughing)

It’s funny, you know. How you tweet things the rest of us Republicans wouldn’t ever...you know?

(Uncomfortable pause as Trump leans forward for an answer.)

You know, you’re a funny guy.

TRUMP
You mean the way I tweet? What?

JEB!
It’s just, you know, you’re funny. You know, the way you tweet. It’s...funny.

TRUMP
Funny how? What’s funny about it?

TED CRUZ
(leans forward nervously to Trump)

Donny, you got it all wrong.

TRUMP
(Pushing Cruz’s hand away)

No Jeb!’s a big boy. He knows what he’s saying. Funny how, huh?

JEB!
Just, you know. The way—you said at the debate you gave all of us candidates money, you bought all of us—it’s just...funny, you know?

TRUMP
Let me understand this. Maybe I’m a little fucked up. But I’m funny how? Funny like a TV clown? Like some reality show clown funny? I amuse you? I’m here to fuckin amuse you? What do you mean funny? How am I so fuckin funny?

JEB!
You know, the way you tweet, it’s just—

TRUMP
No I don’t know. You said it. You said I’m funny. How am I funny? What the fuck is so funny about my candidacy? Tell me!

JEB!
(long, uncomfortable quiet pause. Then breaks out laughing)

Get the fuck outta here Donny, you’re not seriously a Republican!

TRUMP
Motherfucker, I almost had him. Carly, was Jeb! shaking? You stuttering prick, you. I wonder about you sometimes, Jeb! You may wind up folding against Hillary!

Reince Priebus is still standing nervously behind Trump, still holding a piece of paper, the unsigned pledge. Finally, Reince leans down and whispers in Trump’s ear and shows him the paper.

TRUMP
What’s with this guy, he’s on my neck like a fuckin vulture. Whattaya want Reince?

REINCE
Could you take care of this pledge please?

TRUMP
No problem. Pledge whatever you want, my people will go along with it.

REINCE
But Donny, it ain’t just the pledge. Donny please. You’re scarin all the fuckin Mexicans away from our business. I don’t mean to be showin’ you no disrespect Donny but look at the fuckin numbers. 54 million fuckin Hispanics Donny, I’m gonna lose a lotta fuckin voters. I got donors bustin my balls about this day ‘n’ night Donny.

TRUMP
Don’t mean to disrespect me Reince? Embarrassing me in front of my fellow Republicans like I’m some kind of fuckin liberal? You’re a fuckin mutt, you know that Reince? You see the ratings I brought to this party of losers?

REINCE
Don’t be like that Donny.

TRUMP
Like what? Here, I’ll sign your fuckin pledge, you know where the fuck you can put your stupid pledge—now get the fuck outta here, you mutt loser fuck!

(laughter as Reince runs away with the signed pledge)

You think that’s funny? Last week, Reince asked me to play golf with him.

(laughter)

JEB!
You know what Donny? You really are a funny guy!

(LAUGHTER)

FADE OUT