iwatch salesmanDid you know that you can win an Apple iWatch? Right now, at this very minute, you can enter to win a product that hasn’t been announced, might never see release, and is little more than a few reports, a patent, and endless conjecture.

This featured deal from Spreeify, a startup that promises to help users “shop freely,” must be on the up-and-up. Once you sign up for the service and share a bunch of links to your social networks you will definitely, unquestionably, and forever-ly be signed up to win an Apple iWatch. Which looks a lot like a mockup that’s been making its way around the Web. Looks like the rumor mill got something right!

You’re probably wondering how such a miracle could come to pass. Surely a shooting star must have struck Cupertino, or a four-leaf clover up and sprouted from between Apple CEO Tim Cook’s glorious eyebrows. Or maybe, just maybe, a startup decided to make a promise that it probably can’t fulfill to attract users.

Nah. That can’t be it.

In totally unrelated news, I have a few giveaways of my own to announce. I’m sure you will find them stunning — not at all dubious or shady in any way.

The first driverless car from Google! 

That’s right, you — yes, YOU — can not drive yourself home in the first driverless car from Google! All you have to do is share a few links to Twitter with the hashtag #thisistotallylegit to be entered for a chance to win. Guaranteed delivery by December. Of what year? Well I can’t tell you that, silly!

The “Just kidding, we totally pivoted again” ring from Color!

We’ve all been mourning the death of Color, the photo-slash-video-slash-money-printing-machine startup that got “acquihired” by Apple. The day that news broke was truly the most dreadful moment in Silicon Valley history, and confirmed that we are, in fact, teetering on the precipice of a dank, dark abyss where Bill Nguyen is unable to realize the true potential of Color.

But wait a minute! As it turns out, Color lives, and we have the commemorative ring to prove it! All you need to do to win is send me your credit card information, social security number, and birth certificate (just so I can verify your identity, of course), oh, and a non-refundable deposit of $41 million. (Disclosure: The ring may turn out to be made of silver, or tin. No, plastic. Actually it could be a piece of string. Or maybe it won’t be a ring at all. You know how pivoting is.)

The Samsung ProductCopier 3000!

Do you work at a startup? Does a competitor offer a great product that you have yet to eclipse with your own designs? Are you tired of being an also-ran in almost every technological market on the globe?

Not anymore! We’re offering the Samsung ProductCopier 3000, a one-of-a-kind device to allow you to copy your competitor’s product and then act like it never happened! (I and PandoDaily assume no responsibility for the global legal clusterfuck you may find yourself in if you decide to copy the products of one of the largest, most valuable companies on the planet.)

A tin can full of magic beans!

Look, I’m going to level with you: No one is quite sure what these beans do. But they’re kinda colorful and they glow in the dark, if you squint really hard, and my Uncle Jack swears that they’re magic. Said something about a giant castle and a huge beanstalk and an actual giant — and that’s after he got out of rehab!

You don’t really have to do anything to win them. Please just take ‘em. No, really, they’re yours now. I won’t take no for an answer.

The “Don’t send an email newsletter promising users a product that doesn’t exist to a tech blog” memo!

Here’s how this one goes:

“Don’t send an email newsletter promising users a product that doesn’t exist to a tech blog.”

How do you win this one? Well, we’re proud to announce that Spreeify has won this award today! I’m sure that the company would be happy to help you win in the future.

Here’s the offer, for posterity:

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[Illustration by Hallie Bateman for Pandodaily]