Oh. Wow.

By Paul Bradley Carr , written on April 2, 2012

From The News Desk

One of PandoDaily's founding principles is that we will never, ever, re-write press releases. And it's a principle that I'm very happy to follow.

Fortunately, though, there's nothing in the Pando handbook about republishing press releases verbatim. And thank God, because the one below -- from new iPad magazine 'Punch!' -- is an absolute joy to behold.

You're welcome, Pando readers.

(And be sure to check out the video.)



April 2, 2012 -- New York, NY -- The tourism board of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea (DPRK) is slated to be Launch Sponsor of “Punch!,” a new, American popular-culture iPad application to launch soon. Punch! is a modern digital media company founded by a collection of old and new media heavyweights including Maer Roshan of Radar, Talk and New York Magazine, David S. Bennahum of the American Independent and the Wired magazine, and Dany Levy, founder of the Daily Candy, a very popular site that made her very rich.

The launch of Punch! celebrates the 100th Anniversary of the birth of eternal President Kim Il Sung and will feature an multiple array of digital assets developed with the intention of luring tourists to the great nation.

“The Great leader is also very fond of his iPad and Daily Candy, so when he heard the famous mogul Mrs. Dany Levy was involved with a new ipad app, he had us find her immediately,” said Lee Woo-Jin, a spokesman for the DPRK Tourism board, “When we realized that the app was launching at exactly the same time almost as the 100th anniversary, we took it as a sign that we had to be a part of it.”

April 15th 2012 is the 100th anniversary of the birth of national founder and eternal President Kim Il Sung. The occasion will be marked by Mass Games performance, the Kimilsungia flower show, child prodigy classic guitar exposition where 1,500 synchronized child guitarists will play classical works composed by the great leader for an entire 48 hours. 2012 Mass Games will also include two hour gymnastic and socialist realism extravaganzas featuring 100,000 synchronized gymnasts inside the world’s largest stadium and will be performed every evening except Sundays. Streaming access to portions of all of these events will be provided through the Punch! ipad application and was made possible through an unprecedented creative visionary collaboration between a sovereign nation and an American technology company.

The decision to encourage tourism from beyond Korean boarders came directly from the office of newly appointed President Kim Sung Un. “The New Great leader has spent time in the West and understands that there are benefits to showing foreign visits the true grandeur of DPRK,” said Mr. Lee, “The Great Leader wishes to change the way Americans see traveling to the People’s Republic. We want the average American to feel that they could be comfortable traveling here. If you are an average engineer, or a physicist or just a regular scientist we want you to understand that the DPRK is not a place that you will go hungry or get thrown in jail. Far from it. You will experience great hospitality seen before only on the Love Boat.”

The marketing campaign will center around a world class travel commercial (URL) created under presidential decree by the esteemed DPRK National film maker Kim Ye-Jun. Along the lines of “Come back to Jamaica” this commercial will change people’s impressions of a land. Jamaica was once considered an unsafe land of dangerous rastafarians. After the commercials which implored people to come anyway and showed the Jamaicans smiling and doing post-colonial activities, people realized that Jamaica was not dangerous so much. The DPRK tourism video is a masterpiece of cultural persuasion and cinematic technique. Upon its completion, it was immediately deemed a national treasure and the original footage was placed in the DPRK archival vault beneath the tomb of the great leader. The video’s premiere before 25,000 in the world’s largest cinema led to much great applause and fourteen standing ovations. For foreigners who view it for the first time, it clearly shows the artistry and skill the Korean people have been able to achieve thanks to the absence of foreign propaganda. It will be available for exclusive viewing on the Punch! application and on YouTube.

At the President’s request, a musical adaptation of the video is being assembled for the anniversary celebrations and will feature synchronized acts and sign flipping shows by some 250,000 citizens. Viewers of the video will be compelled to travel to DPRK.

The tourism board is also working with Punch! to develop an application for Facebook that allows players to take temporary control of a real Korean Village. Large megaphone speakers placed in 100 remote villages across the DPRK countryside will direct inhabitants to complete jobs submitted via American players. Successful villages will be rewarded much handsomely with fame and luxury goods such as cigarettes and hand lotions. This game is the first of its kind in the history of the world wide internet and benefits largely from the North Korea’s unique relationship with its citizens.

Other traditional style banner advertisements featuring the great leader, monuments and simple animations that depict classic scenes in DPRK history will also be used within the Punch! application. “We understand the power of new media,” said Kim KyongJoo minister of the interior, “There is a reason you won’t see a newspaper in anyone’s hand in Pyongyang. In the next century, DPRK intends to remake itself into a great global technology leader. We have an unparalleled work ethic, unlimited government resources, and we’ve developed an extremely robust scientific infrastructure, though much of it has traditionally been focused on aeronautics. The creation of a great tourist economy will help us show the world that the DPRK rivals Silicon Valley in its ability to create technology.”

Tourists who are enticed to come visit the DPRK through our ipad advertisements will enjoy the Korean monuments, Korean culture, Korean cuisine, Korean hospitality and great Korean wonders. A word of note: many DPRK monuments are much larger and more grand than western visitors are accustomed to. With this in mind, the DPRK provides all visitors with a complimentary handkerchief, hand fan and granola in the event that visitors find themselves light headed or overwhelmed. Certain statues of the great leader have led viewers to experience spontaneous rapture, hysteria and premature child birth. “This really is a four-star visit we’re promoting,” said Lee, “We looked at the world’s most extravagant travel packages and took all the best ideas from them, and made them ten times better. Carnival Cruise lines has already been attempting to duplicate our great ideas - unsuccessfully.” History books trace President Kim Il Sung’s original ideas for monuments to his clandestine collaboration with Walt Disney in the mid 20th century. Female guides can be made available for collaboration for a modest fee. DPRK accepts Euros.

The department of tourism reminds all visitors that in 1866, the Korean fleet repelled the United States warship General Sherman. Any acts of aggression by foreign sightseers within DPRK borders will be met with a similar display of overpowering force.

Students of DPRK history will understand that Japanese visitors are not permitted across the border. This includes Japanese people that now live in America. The 1875 incursion of Japanese warship Unyo-Maru and the Manchrian incident have not been forgotten. Tourists who wish to visit will undergo extensive background checks that will reveal Japanese ancestry and result in a denial of visa. Please refrain from mentioning Japan within DPRK’s great borders.