Apple, AT&T, and Google go to Washington: Here's what we imagine they said

By Adam L. Penenberg , written on August 9, 2013

From The News Desk

Politico reports that President Barack Obama on Thursday hosted three tech scions at the White House for a closed-door meeting to discuss government surveillance. Attending, according to Politico, were Apple CEO Tim Cook, AT&T CEO Randall Stephenson, and Google chief internet evangelist Vint Cerf, plus a few privacy advocates.

No one would comment on what took place in the meeting, but here's how we at PandoDaily imagine things went down:

PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA: Thank you for joining us today at the White House. I invited you here to—

AT&T CEO RANDALL STEPHENSON: I'm sorry, you're breaking up. Hello? Hello?

OBAMA: I was saying that I want to discuss how we might as a great nation achieve a balance between national security and privacy—

APPLE CEO TIM COOK: Apple does not comment on issues of privacy or national security. I must refer you to my press spokesperson.

OBAMA: I haven't asked you to comment on anything. I simply want–

GOOGLE CHIEF INTERNET EVANGELIST VINT CERF: For "national security" there are about 1,200,000,000 results (0.22 seconds).

OBAMA: That's wonderful Dr. Cerf, and performed so quickly, too. But—

GOOGLE: Ads related to national security. "Event Security: – Corporate, Red Carpet, Event, & VIP Security Specialists."

AT&T: That's not garble garble static crackle.

OBAMA: Mr. Stephenson, perhaps if you move closer to the window you'll get better reception.

AT&T: Crackle static idea, Mr. President. Th— chzzzzz.

OBAMA: Hold your left elbow up to the sun and grab your left knee with your right hand and bounce on your toes. That always helps me when I have trouble getting a signal.

AT&T: Thanks, Mr. Presi– tsssks.

OBAMA: You're welcome. As I believe Mr. Stephenson was saying, I was not asking to be shown a Google search keyword ad. But it's hard to understand him with such poor reception.

APPLE: That's the fault of the network. Randall, we've talked about this.

AT&T: Crackle you! If you didn't gouge us on static crackle phone static piece of crackle phone made in China by slave labor!

GOOGLE: China, officially the People's Republic of China, is a sovereign state located in East Asia. It is the world's most populous country, with a population of over 1.35 billion. Source: Wikipedia.

APPLE: Apple does not comment on our production in China or anywhere else. I must refer you to my press spokesperson.

AT&T: If you travel to China, crackle static roaming charges, I static a data pack.

OBAMA: I want to emphasize that the government is not spying on Americans. But we must remain vigilant in the face of potential terrorism. Part of privacy entails—

GOOGLE: "Private parts": About 566,000,000 results (0.27 seconds). Ad related to "private parts": Watch Private Parts - Free Trial. Watch Instantly -‎, 41 reviews for, TV Shows & Movies anytime anywhere‎. Netflix has 47,647 followers on Google+. 1 Month Free Trial -- Watch on TVs and Tablets.

AT&T: You're hogging bandwidth, Vint. Crackle static additional charges to your bill.

GOOGLE: About 726,000,000 results (0.27 seconds). Bill (law?) Bill O'Reilly? "Kill Bill, Vol. 1." Bill Me Later.

OBAMA: Thank you for coming today, Gentlemen. I'm glad we had the opportunity to clear the air.

GOOGLE: Don't be evil.

OBAMA: Well, I'll try. It's hard sometimes.

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