Pando

20 reasons why CES is just the worst

By David Holmes , written on January 6, 2015

From The News Desk

Imagine a place where you can behold products as worthless as those sold in airline magazines and as ugly as the jewelry section of the dollar store. Welcome to CES 2015, and I'm sorry.

1. Baby Glgl

Like other baby bottles, only unpronounceable.

2. ZBoard 2

If Avril Lavigne was a tech gadget.

3. USB Type-C

So you can buy everything all over again.

4. Rollkers

Roller skates, but motorized so they kill you.

5. Tao Chair

Remember "Sharper Image"?

6. gTar

That Guitar Hero guitar someone left at your house that is useless because you don't have the game.

7. Activite Pop

Smartwatch whose pitch is, what it lacks in smart functionality it makes up for in style. So a watch.

8. Avegant Glyph

A metal band playing Coachella.

9. Nixie

A wearable selfie-taking drone. Possibly invented by publishers for SEO.

10. Belty

A "smart-belt" for dieters too lazy to use a scale.

11. D-Link AC3200

Router that The Verge thinks might "murder your entire family before diving through a transdimensional wormhole to plot the demise of an entire civilization."

12. Linktop thermometer

A thermometer made of graphene because people like to write about graphene.

13. Peq

So you can connect your car to your Zubie.

14. Zubie

So you can connect your Zubie to your Peq.

15. Parrot Pot

A "smart-pot" for your plants. (I'm actually kind of feeling this one.)

16. Parrot RBN6

Not the Parrot Pot. Don't care.

17. Seagate Seven

A hard drive that wishes it was whiskey.

18. LaCie Mirror

"The human digital footprint is a reflection of our individuality and LaCie Mirror is symbolic of this." - Actual sentence from a press release about a hard drive.

19. Ampstrip

A fitness tracker, but sexier because you wear it on your loins.

20. Walkman NW-ZX2

A Walkman, only it costs $1,200.

[illustration by Brad Jonas]